Just had my 1st university exam. Not sure if I were more excited or awake in my brain, I could think faster, do quicker and finish the paper hands down. Sounds like a big, fat boast huh?
Well, that's what I hope to feel at the end of my papers- to have that satisfied, I've-given-it-all sense of accomplishment. But, it was far from it. Today felt like this: Hey, it's grasshopper, nay, no big deal...as minutes ticked by, gosh, this grasshopper is so hard to catch...Oh, look I've got it! But no! it jumped free again..off it goes, again.
The chase and catch continued until it was gone. Never to come back again.
As much as I want to take it easy, not wanting to let pressure and that crippling fear get the better of me, I don't want my attitude to become that of indifference.
It's a battle continuation from my heart's issues. Then was revealed through events, now it's exams. Where do I anchor myself to? In whom do I trust, in face of pressure, stress, weakness where my instinct is to 'run away' and 'hide' from them?
Where do I go, whom do I turn to, when I'm coming face to face with my struggles, fears and weakness? How do you react when insecurity is standing like a giant before you? What would you do when you are at a loss as to what to do next?
It's easy to talk about the god stuff, like as though I'm some wise man with such deep and rich experiences...but what does it mean to me, just where I'm at? I'm only on this journey, just this far for now...I want to grow, and am excited about it. But where should I begin when placed in such an awesome role of shepherding the flock under my care? Feels like I have to think more than about where I am, to a level where those in need are at and to a level, concurrently, of a higher plane where I have not experienced yet..perhaps at best, to think and imagine the what-if situations.
Sometimes, if not often, the line gets blurred and one would think that's where one's at. But the reality check comes in to tear down this prideful facade through situations or events of imperfection to reveal the heart.
It is painfully humbling to first come to terms that that's just that where I am, not yet, and to then find comfort that it is in Him that I am complete.
Shall leave with this thought:
As I wanted to end with the thought that if we no longer have talents or outstanding qualities like in the area of leadership, or ministry in church to serve, I was caught in my own words. My point was that if without these, would we be any less to God? Or would we see ourselves as any less to Him?
The talents I thought of was that which can be seen and heard. Though I know there are talents of other kinds like putting things together in a flow etc, it did not struck me till I typed 'if we have no talents...' What is seen may receive the praises of Man, but what goes unnoticed does not goes out of God's sight. Rather the mustard seed that houses God's creations of many kinds, than a firework that explodes beautifully for a moment but soon fizzles off into nothing.
