One To Another: TGIF

It's Friday, again. Many would know it as "TGIF." Yet, what does it really mean to you?

I thank God that even in the somewhat dullest and near monotonous rhythm of my life, He has challenged me to see beyond what has been just a term coined by some person somewhere.

I believe that it is favour- His favour upon me that has made me ponder about what happened. If it wasn't for favour and kindness, I really don't know what else to say. Somehow, it seemed that everything just fitted in nicely for today that this revelation could dawned upon me.

And so, this incident sparked off my train of pondering thoughts of reflection. As I looked at my handphone while tuning in to its mp3 function, I realised that I have not really looked and appreciated my handphone for what it is, at least since the time when I first received it with such joy and gladness.

Just as the many who are proud owners of the models of phones, smartphones, iphones out in the market, it dawned on me that "Hey, my phone is unique too." It has a dummy pad beneath the screen that flips open to allow me to answer the call or to key in any numbers and messages. Perhaps being subconsciously drawn into the chase for whose's-gotten-a-cooler-phone, I was rather blinded in preoccupation with the thoughts of what new phone model I should get once my current contract expires.

Well, it goes back to this- not just trying to learn how to cherish what I have, but rather truly cherishing what I have.

In life, though we are presented with many chances to start anew and learn to learn, there are just certain things that we can't always hide behind the shield of I'm Still Learning. That's why we have to make decisions, take on and face whatever the consequences that result- for the better or the worse. That's when we learn. We don't simply learn to avoid how to fall, but to learn from falling- that why it is painful and how we can then avoid falling the same way. We would still fall down, but each time we grow stronger.

I see my own life and my surroundings as an example. Maybe I should take the stance of a schooler since I'm a student. In school, every student desires to do well. Who, in the his or her own rights, would give up on doing well? Yet, tests and exams leave us no choices but only one. Mess it up and that's it. Finished. The grade is decided. Just wait till the next test, exam or semester to do better.

We are just trying hard to play safe by learning what we have to do in order to do well. See, the key is about learning something in order to get something out of it, which more often than not is but a grade, recognition, fame, prestige. I'm also a typical student who hits the books when necessary. But deep within me, I feel that there is more. There should be more than these.

Perhaps we are afraid of taking risks, or whatever one may call, to make our learning truly enriching. Though there is a need to have a balance between work, study and play, should we not also learn to accept lessons in life that may not always happen as how we would expect them to?

We thank God for the lessons in life (even as hard as they may be) that He has used, and will continue to use, to mould us more and more into Christ's likeness.

That the world may know that Jesus is Lord.

What's willed, will be.

Into 2010

What would this year bring? What would I say as 2010 comes towards the end as I look back on the year?

Before I begin, I'd like to sing this song:

Lamp unto my feet
Light unto my path
It is You
Jesus
It is You

This treasure that I hope
more than refiner's gold
It is You
Jesus
It is You

With all my heart
with all my soul
I live to worship You
and praise forever more
praise forever more

Lord, every day
I need You more
on wings of heaven
I will soar
with You

It's a year of crossroads. Where do I go from here?

Something that I want to remember is this word "deposit"- that He who has done a good work in my life would continue till completion. The faithfulness of God.

Promises yet to be fulfilled. Things to come to pass.

What is the blessing of God?
"You give & take away
You give & take away
Yet I will choose to say
Blessed Be Your Name"

Sounds easy enough to sing along but do we really mean that "God, though You may give and take away, I will still praise You for You are Good?" Reflect on it.

To me, though the blessing may not seem like how I expected it to come, I know that You want to give the best to me. Though I may not see it, help me not to miss sight of it, even without having to try so hard. I believe that what's willed, will be.

Those who trust in the LORD will not be put to shame. Let me not be ashamed, O LORD.

You have your purpose in allowing for the giving and taking away, so that through it all, I would come out stronger in You, realising the hand of the greatness & faithfulness of You upon the committed that no Man can thwart.

The purposes of God endures forever.

Just as Paul mentioned a thorn in his flesh so that he might boost not in his flesh but of God, the heaviness in my heart that makes me feel like I'm slowly falling beneath the surface of the deep, which pains me with such wrenching within, is like the thorn to remind me painstakingly to look to God no matter what.

Lord, every day
I need You more
On wings on heaven
I will soar
with You

-Divine Exchange-

[Scarlet by Brooke Fraser]

I'm on this journey with Him to walk me through my fears, doubts... till I find what hope is.

Wondering through every day
in ever corners and bends
Holding on to hope, yet too afraid to hope,
Holding out to what's in me that believes
yet doubts always come to take Your place, and
memories jab straight right through me

Light of hope, come take Your place in this place.

A promise is a promise.

Teach me to trust in Your unchanging nature, eternal Rock, as I put my hope in You, for You are my Provider. Jehoveh Jireh.

Thoughts...

It's coming towards the end of yet another year.

Many would be contemplating what their new year resolution(s) would be, and then penning them down.

For some, they may think about the year and how it has been- Has it been the same as the previous year(s) or something different, something new?

I had the chance to hear a sermon from Pastor Glenn Packiam, and just to quote from what he was deeply inspired by it, "How have you known Jesus more this year?"

In his sermon, he described the "what-the-heck" moments in life as opportunites to know God for ourselves, personally. Wrestling with God is contact time with Him.

What is a relationship? Doesn't He desire a relationship with each one of us- one that never fails, which we can always rely and depend on His unfailing love, the One who would never leave nor forsake us? The higest form of love.

Such a love, many say it's impossible to find in Man. So ideal, how can Man ever reach?

Then I came across this clip from the show, Fireproof. Caleb, the fireman, whose marriage was on the rocks, tried to salvage it but only to his constant disappointments. In a conversation with his dad, he lamented how he could ever love a person who kept rejecting his love. Then, his dad said, "This is it." He looked at the cross and started to realise that in the same way, Jesus had not stopped loving even those who kept rejecting Him and His love.
And love tansformed translates into a love on earth where we love one another.

We don't need to like, but we are to love one another.

Love is more than just being in a relationship. It's hard, but it's a choice to pour out one's love for others; unconditional love- that Jesus first loved us with, and still is.

The decision to love also means the willingness to be hurt.
A time of joy, a time of pain;
a time to break, a time to mend and
a time to heal.

What God can do, Man can not.
What is of God, no Man can thwart. Just as how we may think we have messed up God's plan with our stubbornness, unwillingness and self-centredness, God is in control. His plan and purposes will prevail through all generations.

To my beloved brother, Andy

Being on this trip so far, I see a mirror of me. My past. My tantrums. My jealousy and pride that I tend to express to my family especially when I'm not feeling happy. Through this trip, I see a reflection of my brother and I- what he had to put up with and learnt to empathise so as to enter into my world. Being the older girl on this trip, I feel like the older sister. Though there are times like many other times that I feel like a child again, I am made to see what my brother had to go through when I had my frustrated moments that were unexplanably unreasonable at times.

I could have chosen the easy and what-looks-like-the-coolest way by looking away from everyone and give them the sign that, "Hey, I had enough. So whatever!" Hah, if only I could say that. Well, I do think about it whenever I really feel things just seem to just get on my nerve. But we are a team. We have to stick together no matter what. What's more, when I see my own reflection, can I not be moved? I feel like doing something about the situation, but I afraid that reaction would be more than what I can already take and bear.

When I see others happy, I feel happy too, somehow. Like happy, like upset. To see others unhappy, I'm also unhappy. My mood is easily influenced by the environment and dynamics. Perhaps that's why I'm "unstable" -one moment laughing over the moonm the next, totally emotional.

So what happens when emotional people come together? Sometimes I really feel it's tiring, and that I don't understand why I have to take all these... feels like I'm the target and the punchbag. If not, I feel like I'm the one to receive the coldness and impact first and at full throttle. Why, why, why???

Andy, thanks for being such a wonderful brother who bothers about me. Growing pains as part of growing. It's a relationship with Him that would always begin somewhere.

The story of love

Pretty lost for words now that I have started to type out my thoughts here...

Though it's only been 2 weeks (with another 18 more to go), I'm thinking of home- the arrival hall at Changi Airport, the journey on the car ride home. Even had a dream on taking a flight back during my 2 day off-days. Incredible.

Away from Singapore gives me time to see new things and to take away the "feelings" repressed in me. The whole story of love is amazing yet so far fetched, at least for me. I don't mean I'm one who has given up on love, but seeing all my friends here being attached and missing their other halves in Singapore makes me wonder, envious and out of place. Seems like it's not the time to talk about relationship as such. Hmmm...pretty tempted to give in, yet it's just not the time and it definitely doesn't feel right inside me.

Can't find the right words to say. Even when I had the chance to say how I felt, I just couldn't express fully and now, I feel like I'm regretting it - not for saying, but for not knowing what to say and not regret later. Totally blew the chance, I think, and regret is the word to say now. Perhaps that's the way it's to be...yet, it's hanging there. Can't just forget it altogether. How?

In a sentence, I'd phrase it like this: "There's just unending things to say or talk about, even if I had the chance to say it again." Talk about letting go and letting God.

I want to come back anew, refreshed and putting behind all that has happened and move on in life. Yet, it's like an unchained melody, going on and on. Am I that stubborn or what? Even I don't know. Pretty frustrating a thing.

My promise and deal to You, I recall and remember. Teach me to trust in You come what may, that You are my Provider. Another level of faith and commitment in this journey with You, my Lord.

God has His way

"I have made You too small in my eyes...

And I have believed in a lie

that You were unable to help me..." -Be Magnified

As I saw my grade, I was shocked. I didn't expect that.

This particular module of the semester was especially challenging as I had to face the reality of who I am in face of all the troubles and pressure. Though I had a fair share of nervous breakdowns prior to each session, as I looked back, I realised that it was because of this module-contributing to my fears, anxiety- that drew me closer to God.

I realised that I have this inferior complex that makes me feel inadequate and incapable of doing things well. That is one of the many reasons why I always make myself worry incessantly and end up getting myself weary.

Perhaps this module is also teamwork-based and so all the more pressuring it is for me to minimise my "faults" and just get things right. Performing up to expectations can be such a wearisome thing.

Through this, I mentioned that I had to come to terms with myself in face of the troubles and mounting pressure from other projects, my self-inflicted fear and anxiety. Pastor Whitley once shared with me that there would be bad days, and definitely more to come. Dropping a bread doesn't make me less of a person. I remembered his prayer: God will do tremendous works in your life, though not as how the world sees tremendous as.

A new beginning calls for a change of heart. Unhurried time.